Facing failure

I’ve been called a perfectionist many many  times in my life. Particularly by one my horse riding instructors. I wanted to be perfect, so often I couldn’t see how good I was actually doing or how talented I was for my age. 

I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately. Soul searching if you will. I realize I have a really hard time seeing my own progress. I struggle with my weight and have since I was around 10 years old. I did not get the best generic cards to say. I feel like I will always fight heredity to an extent. But I am okay with that. What I am not okay with is the fact that I cannot praise myself. 

I am forty pounds lighter than I was this time last year. I cannot see that. I cannot see my success because I have the image of an Instagram model in my head. No this is not any type of skinny shaming or joke at thin people. I just have this image for what I think I need to look like and that I would be happy if I had that body…Comparison kills. It’s kills self esteem, it kills self worth, it kills happiness. My body and my progress are all I need to focus on. Not someone I’ve never met who has a completely different life and circumstances.

Let’s have a talk about happiness before I continue. Happiness is not a place in the future, happiness is right here right now finding one thing that could be worse and celebrating that thing. We have to stop barely making it through the day because we are so caught up in “life”. I think life is hard and I think it will always to an extent be hard. We have to live right here, and we have to choose to see good in every moment possible. Because life is also beautiful, we just have to adjust our eyes sometimes. 

I have to remember that life is this huge lesson…. a life lesson. I feel like I fail every single day. I feel like I fail to reach the future me I want to be so badly. I am learning to face things. I have always suppressed any situation that makes me uncomfortable. I have become very talented over the years at avoiding confrontation. I am learning to face my failures head on and change what needs to be changed. I am growing.

Through all my failures and “near wins” I have learned. God have I learned. I’m beginning to see my progress in many different aspects of my life. My failures have all been paving stones to where I am right now and who I am and I also know this road has many many more miles to go. So cheers to failure, we will meet many times in this life, and I will always face you. Failure is the ultimate teacher, sometimes we hate them but maybe in hindsight this will all make sense. Hindsights 20/20. 

“Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.”

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